Tom Scott

US-Visit Arrival Process for Visitors Travelling with a Visa

Warning! This is really old. It was last updated in 2004 and may be obsolete, outdated, unsafe or just embarrassing. Treat with caution.

(A parody of the new US-VISIT program leaflet.)

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Aeroplanes will no longer land on the airport runway. Instead, they will hover twelve feet above, and a set of stairs will be lowered from the aircraft. Passengers arriving by sea will descend onto a magical gangway that, despite being three feet below the waterline, is not submerged .

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Travellers should form an orderly queue. When they reach the head of this queue, their worth will be judged by the Magical Floating Book.

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The Magical Floating Book will then report its findings to the immigration officer. If you are judged worthy, the bottom of the immigration officer's desk will disappear, along with his legs.

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Passengers will then be asked to perform a brief hand jive while the immigration officer assumes an effeminate pose. Passengers will then have their pictures taken and displayed in a large, gaudy frame on the wall.

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Finally, passengers will be coated in light gray paint and allowed to pass. Remember to high-five the immigration officer on the way out. Congratulations! You're in America!