The Internet's Bathroom Wall

College Humor is a funny website but if I were in college now, EVERY TIME something funny happened I would yell "College Humor!" & LOLx5000! –robdelaney

If you ever go to a Black Keys gig I'll be the guy in the audience yelling out, "Play The Lexus song, play The Lexus song." –Aspersioncast

this bitter pill won’t bloom or flower cause it’s being chased by a whiskey sour. –snickychick

I once killed a fly with a rubber band and yes I am in a gang. –ilovepie84

Before you can finish saying, "That looks delicious, can I try some?" I've already coughed on my food and backwashed my drink. –VodkaDietSoda

"Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever –AdmiralAkbrown

I hate listening to people with Blackberrys text because they are so loud #pleasestop #teamiphone –iPhoneTeam

Do the twitter elite get keys to a special bathroom to tweet from? –edheenan

If I must die someday, I hope it's in a burrito avalanche. –donni

SIMPLE:SI TE GUSTA LE DAS FAV Y SI QUERES COMPARTIRLO LE DAS RT. NI A MI ME CRECE MAS LA PORONGA NI VOS SUBIS UN ESCALON MAS HACIA EL CIELO –el_irla

Secret to twitter is: tweet like your an alcoholic, Nympho, homeless person on Xanax but have a sweet side & be proficient in grammar. –EvilPandaX

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying if you got shot, I would be the shooter. –marleegirlee

Einstein's Theory of Relativity is never more painfully evident then when someone refers to "Baba O'Reilly" as the CSI song. –hipchkk

Sale Paul y dice: "Voy a cantar Yesterday" Y se va. –lnedito

If you want to know what God smells like, just open up a fresh bag of coffee. –Pulse_NYC

I just told a blind guy to "watch his mouth" and now I feel bad. –the_moonface

Major Tom: "Tell my wife I love her very much." Ground Control: "Sure. I'll tell her tomorrow at BREAKFAST! I'm kidding, have a safe trip." –markleggett

So sweet when the middle-aged people have twittercrushes –Token_Geezer

I appreciate your pity stars. –tinytittays

Psst. If a female tweeter uses the words 'go away' as gently as possible in DM. The only acceptable response is none at all. Dufus. –ShoutingGoddess

The internet has ruined my excitement regarding nudity. –tinytittays

If I was a polo player I'd just be taking pictures the whole time and scratching my back with the mallet. And waving, ALOT OF WAVING. –TequilaTears

Thanks for reminding me I'm powerless, gust of wind. –thesulk

Name your iPhone 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero🚢 –iPhoneTeam

How's about you stop telling me what a good person you are and instead show me, hmm? –ShoutingGoddess

If I ever caught a burglar in my house, I'd probably just say "Swiper, no swiping" or "leggo my eggo." –the_moonface

I wish I could "star fuck" more. I also wish I could "real fuck" more. –SquirrelNugs

how long should i wait before answering a text, like on a scale of 0-5 seconds –MandySlamberg

I just realized 90% of my timeline is retweets and I'm really sorry guys I'll work harder on making it 100% –Mouthy_

My son is single handedly destroying the Ozone 1 can of Axe at a time –thatupsdude

Autocorrect changed my wife! –biorhythmist

I put on too much hair gel today that our office building cracked when I banged my head against it. –NotKarma

The internet is a place where you can make long-lasting friendships. You can also watch 2 girls drink diarrhea. Two sides to every coin. –IamEnidColeslaw

If pregnant chicks count, then yes, I've had threesomes. –BillMc7

BREAKING: His balls. –Schmoodles

Twitter was a mistake. I'm leaving it behind and going outside to look at nature, then use my hands to make something. Join me. Goodbye. –Nick_Offerman

Hey, new bands, thanks but I think we're good. –BlitznBeans

Whoever is stealing my action figures off my desk sure is going to be sorry when they come to life after midnight. –GreenEyedJedi

Snooki is thinking about letting cameras into the delivery room, looks like Animal Planet is going to air the footage. –the_moonface

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's self deprecation. Who am I kidding, I can't even do that right. –9to5Life

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me. –DTelf

I recently adopted a highway, since I am unfortunately unable to have a biological highway –meganamram

The reason we don't have a lot of bigots on twitter is cuz anyone who spends time here learns quickly how diverse the awesomeness is. –deadndreaming

The majority of my life is spent avoiding Adobe updates. –DamienFahey

I'm giving my mom the same gift I've given her for the last 32 years; Not pushing her in front of a train. –stacetoned

My wife just spent half an hour in front of a mirror getting ready to go out. I took a piss and put pants on. We both look spectacular. –deadndreaming

Twitter's a secret society that just accepts anyone as a member. We belong, support the same agenda of moronic ramblings & deny membership. –eTHEgoddess

I wish I had boys as it would be so much easier. One punch and the fight is forgiven and forgotten. With girls, one fight can last decades. –Tetley6969

If there's one thing 80's movies have taught us it's that nerds are more horny than regular people. –DearStabby

Mutsuz uyanmama sebep olanları da affetmeyeceğim. –Mayoneziseverim

So cute how some people disappear for the weekends –Token_Geezer

My boss just asked if I could work on my day off. I didn't say anything, I just blankly stared at him until he was uncomfortable and left. –9to5Life

I made a mistake of movin in with a hippie one time. Apparently, when they say 'peace & love,' what they really mean is 'filthy & annoyin' –Storminika

If I won a golden ticket I'd eat the wrong thing so quickly the Oompa-Loompas would be singing my song before I'd taken my coat off. –Schmoodles

I'm going to ask my mailman if he can just deliver my mail directly to the trashman so we can cut out the middleman. –Bostonism

Tossed and turned all night. I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing. –CroweJam

I have a feeling that a lot of us spent many hours in detention. –peaceintruth1

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited? –AKATriple

90% of everything is crap. STURGEON’S LAW (Theodore Sturgeon 1918-85) –qikipedia

My dog accidentally ate a pack of party balloons and a wig and then crapped out Nicki Menaj. –bombscribe

So the Dr was like: ''Sam, are you sure you wanna live?'' and I'm like: ''Well, it's not like I have something better to do.'' –samalmightysam

I drink vodka because I don't like to keep things bottled up. –LABeachmom

Just dropped my toothbrush in the toilet, which narrowly beats dropping a plunger in my mouth. –donni

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call wait! Where are you going? Don't go! I just wanted...PLEASE LOVE ME! –MistookMistake

Dear Diary, Why do animals act so weird around me? Why did I eat all the Pizza Bagels? Why won't Tom Cruise let me wash his feet? Why is –IamEnidColeslaw

It's really cute how the guy I secretly like at work calls it a company meeting when I prefer to call it what it really is: a first date! –MistookMistake

I feel like there was something I was supposed to do today. I'd ask my wife but she stormed out for no reason just now. –9to5Life