The Quiet Carriage Proficiency Test « Tom Scott

Welcome. Before purchasing a Quiet Carriage ticket for a British train, you must apply for a licence.

Please answer the following questions.

Do you have anyone under 18 in your group?

No.
Yes.
Yes, but my little Tarquin is an angel and you won't hear a peep from him.

If you wear headphones, what is an acceptable level of “leaking” sound for the person sat next to you?

None.
B-tssk, b-tssk, b-tssk.
BABY BABY BABY OOOH, I THOUGHT YOU'D ALWAYS BE MINE.

Which of these is an acceptable quiet carriage conversation with a travelling companion?

A whispered request to pass something.
Half an hour of kvetching about your boss.
OH MY GOD DARREN YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED OH EMM EFF GEE.

You receive a mobile phone call while in the quiet carriage. What do you do?

Answer it, say ‘just a moment’, and continue the conversation in the vestibule.
Giggle at your own ringtone going off, answer in a mock-whisper, and then continue at a normal volume, confident you have appeased those around you.
DAVE? DAVE? CAN YOU STILL HEAR ME? WE JUST WENT THROUGH A… I SAID WE JUST WENT THROUGH A TUNNEL.

Are you Brian Blessed?

No.
Yes, but it's important to remember that, despite my reputation, I'm a classically-trained actor with a wide range of skills and don't actually spend all day bellowing.
GORDON'S ALIVE LOL.

WRONG

You are the worst kind of person

Go back and change your answer or tweet your result

You have passed!

You may be seated in the Quiet Carriage. God bless Her Majesty.

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Made by Tom from an idea by Dan • More like this • @tomscott on Twitter or Facebook